Time flies, whether you like it or not. This last year has been such a roller-coaster. It’s been 324 days since Mom was called to Heaven. Some days it feels like just last week. Some days it feels like I’ve been missing her for years.
So much has happened since that day.  It’s truly been a year of “Life in a Faith Free-Fall” for sure! We had a baby (our beautiful Seraya Jane) Sam’s grandfather was called Home to Heaven as well, the girls have had birthdays, and holidays, Sam merged his business into a new business partnership, Seraya started crawling, and standing and recently has tried to walk on her own, we’re expecting another baby (I wonder if mom had a talk with the Lord and sent one sooner than expected!! lol) we moved in with Dad… so many things have changed… and she’s been missed at every turn. I can’t believe that soon it will have been a whole year.

When it first happened, I wasn’t sure I’d survive. Not literally of course, but mom was such an integral part of our lives, and she helped me with the kids so very much, and was always ready with advice, when it was asked for.  I wasn’t sure how I was going to find a new rhythm of life in her absence. It’s been tough, some days are better than others, but I’m learning…
Not a day goes by that I don’t miss her. And I still cry on a regular basis wishing she were here to talk to. I’m cooking in her kitchen now, with her recipes, in her pots… sometimes it feels great; sometimes it just makes me miss her more. It’s been a week with lots of tears from the girls.  Ziva is missing her Mimi very much. We all do really.

I do however like to imagine her in heaven, dancing with her dad and mom, hanging out with Uncle Gary and her cousin Martha Ann that she still missed more than 4o years after she lost her (but who’s death I know was a major instrument of her coming to faith), and mom hanging out with my awesome Great Aunt Edna (the other part of that instrument).

It’s difficult to blog about other things theses days. For one, the babies keep me hopping! With Vienna in school (mom would be SO proud of her progress) and Ziva and Seraya learning and moving so much… and then growing this new baby… but sometimes I just gotta stop, and put to paper my thoughts about this year.

I was given some gifts to buy something to remind me of mom.  I have so many of my  mom’s things that I couldn’t decide on something, so I tucked it away and saved it (well, part of it, I took some of it and got some picture frames to put some of the good shots I had of mom into a collage).  I finally found what I’m going to get for my home (as soon as I can remember where I stashed my funds!! LOL)   It’s a plaque on etsy that says:

“God doesn’t give us what we can handle, he helps us handle what we are given.”

It’s a good reminder, that I will survive!

There’s something even more final about having my mother’s (and fathers for that matter) Remembering Stone placed.  Yesterday was a tough day. Maybe one of the toughest yet.

When dad called me to tell me it was finally ready I was glad it was finally going to be put in place.  It’s been seven months already, not that there is a time frame for all this.  Just a little way down from mom there’s a temporary marker that has been there for two years, but it was nice to know that it would be there finally and mom would be honored.

I told Sam dad had called withe news and the girls heard.  Vienna decided that she needed to pick some rose petals to “sprinkle” all over “Mimi’s remembering place” you know, so it could look “beautiful.”  That little girl is so incredibly thoughtful.  I cried the whole drive, out there… almost a half hours drive.  It’s still so hard to believe she is gone. It’s just unreal. It’s weird to think that she never met Seraya, and to have Seraya Jane out there was a very strange feeling at times for me.

We went out to Adams to have a look at the finalized stone. It’s weird to think that she never met Seraya, and to have Seraya Jane out there was a very strange feeling at times.

But it was a beautiful day and not gloomy, so that was helpful. Perfectly sunny, with a nice breeze that kept it from being too hot. The stone is beautiful. White, with black flecks… but what the pictures don’t show, is that it also sparkles with little flecks in the stone where it is in its “raw” state.  Dad did a good job.

Vienna sprinkled her petals over the ground. Very lovingly, very purposefully. Taking her cues from her sister, Ziva put some rocks on Mimi’s Remembering Spot… Ziva loves stones! They seem to be a part of her love language as Sam and I receive gifts of them often.

True to form, while we were there Vienna made a friend.  There is this big gazebo area between remembering fields and there was another family clear on the other side of the fields and the kids all found their way to the gazebo while the grown ups stayed at the stones.  It left me to wonder… who did they loose, how long ago was it, how has their life changed.  I’ve lost others in my life… but never one so suddenly and so intricately entwined in my life. I can’t pass an ambulance with lights ablaze without wondering who’s life is being altered… and I always wonder, will their family see them again in heaven.  I’m thankful that we have faith. oh so thankful.

“Mommy, did Mimi leave her body at that house where ‘it’ happened?”

Oh I never knew I could have dreaded a question so much in my entire life.

We were having a totally normal, lazy late morning, not much going on.  Vienna was sitting up on the chair watching a show and just randomly turned to me and asked the question.  I’d really like to be in her head for just a little while… I’m not sure how she processes all this… but she certainly has come up with some interesting questions and she really seems to get it.  Her all of four almost five year old brain understands so much more than I ever imagined she would/could. Sometimes it’s a comforting thought… sometimes it’s not.  I wonder what questions have come up that I haven’t heard.

I know the questions that come into my head. And I know sometimes the questions or thoughts/comments that come up are not really things that I’d like to have aired in public. Though, since ya’ll know me, you know 9 times out of 10, that laundry gets aired and usually aired big.  It’s the blessing/curse about me.

I was in shock at the question; as much for my flashing back to the vacation house and beginning to relive the whole horrific affair as I was that my daughter was asking the question.  I actually had her ask me again.  So since Ziva was there and she doesn’t really understand even that Mimi can’t ever come back I told Vienna to go to my room and we’d talk about it.

My first question to Vienna was “well, you know that Mimi’s not WITH her body anymore, right?”  and her response was “Yeah, but what happened to her body?”   Ok, now it’s time to QUICKLY decide how I’m going to handle this.  If  you read my other post, you’ll know I had some issues after my grandmother passed, so, this is kinda a tough answer for me.  But this is how I answered.

Well, do you know how God made our  bodies?  The Bible says that He made us originally from dirt.  “Dirt? Why did he make us from dirt!?!? Its sooo un clean!” and I said, Oh but the neat thing is that He cleaned us when he made us from dirt… her response… “Just like he did when He died” WOW, really?  Just like that? She gets it. She really gets it.   But was it still at the house?  Hum…

So, I told her that when we leave our bodies that our bodies turn back into dirt. I asked her if she remembered going to Mimi’s remembering place and if she remembered that there was a spot that didn’t have any grass on it.  I told her we brought Mimi’s body back from the house and we put it there to turn back into dirt and that we put the stone there, not because Mimi is still there, but because its juts the best place we have to put a stone to remind us of her. Finally she was satisfied with that… I was getting ready to pull out the “I think that question is too heavy for you” answer.  There’s gotta be a way to lighten most questions…

I don’t like to use the “too heavy for you” answer too often, because I know kids can handle a lot more than we give them credit for.  I also knew that when I got that answer growing up it did not make me less anxious… in fact, I would often focus more on the question, trying to figure it out for myself.

My girls are still trying to figure out why Mimi’s gone. I’m still trying to figure that out too.  Why now, why so young, 62… really? Why, what caused it? Was there a reason?  How soon will it be before we send the next family member to heaven?  How will we move on? We’ve got a whole new way of life to learn with her.

But that’s another topic for another day…

(Time for me to process again… read if you’d like, but understand, these are my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions… not a rant, not a persuasion, not a diatribe and not really an “explanation” to anyone but myself I’m not looking for validation, agreement, discourse or corrections… this is, what it is, it is no more, no less) (Oh, it’s gonna be a long one, so if your gonna read.. grab some coffee.. and maybe some tissues

I was seven when my Grandma Christoff died.  I remember it quite vividly. Not the details, or the particulars of the funeral or what have you, so much as the feelings.  I remember the service was the most painful place I could be.  It was like I could feel each and every heart in that church breaking.  I know this post isn’t about grandma, but it’s important for how I’ve come to my decisions.

Being that I was seven, I had cycled through enough pets already to understand that death was a forever, permanent, nothing gonna change it type of situation. I understood that people went to Heaven to be with Jesus and it was a wonderful and glorious thing.  That Heaven was a joyous safe place.  But still, even at seven, the thought of my grandma lying buried underground, well, freaked me out. I struggled with the separation of the soul and the body, even though I was very certain they were two separate things.  It was still just… well, just so hard to wrap my mind around.  I actually envisioned what would happen to my grandma… and I’m sure that’s what freaked me out the most.  I think part of it is that this was my first exposure to human death, and my relationship with my grandmother was long distance.  She lived in Ohio, we lived in Oregon.  For me, most of our relationship was through pictures, cards, gifts and only the occasional visit. Traveling after all was quite expensive.  So, really the image of my grandma was what I had the most of… so, for her “image” or body to be buried, well… yeah,  you see what I’m getting at?

I’ve struggled a great deal with my daughters in how to handle the death of my mom.  Two of my three knew their Mimi VERY well.  They love her very much.  They miss her every day.  So, how to explain things to a two year old and a four year old, even though they are two of the smartest 2 and 4 year olds I know J

When my Grandma Florence was 88 years old we had all gathered for her birthday, we had all gathered in Ohio a big birthday celebration.  After the party we were gathered in her tiny little living room, all gabbing away, and she asked me to file her nails like I so enjoyed doing for her. It was something I had started to do in those last years when my mom would go back and take me with her. As I was filing away she looked about the room and said “well, I guess the next time we’ll all be gathered like this again will be for my funeral.” And she gave her mischievous chuckle and grin I miss so much.  I of course being who I am, said “Gran, don’t talk like that! You’ve got lots of good years left!”  Fact of the matter was, she was ready to go. She’d been without her husband for what? 30 years? Her body was failing and ailing her and she was at peace and ready, just waiting for her time to dance with Grandpa once more in Heaven.  So much so she proceeded to explain to me the beautiful casket she picked out and everything “I’ve got it all planned already”.  All with a smile on her face.  Still remembering how painful it was to sit through Grandma Christoff’s funeral, I told my Grandma Florence “Grandma, I love you, but I can’t go to funerals, it’s too painful. I don’t think I’m going to be at yours, but I’ll visit your grave later if you want.”  She chuckled and with all sincerity said “I don’t care if you go or not! I’m not gonna be there!”  It was so nice having her “permission.” As it turned out the Lord took that decision from me, when he called Grandma Florence home while I was still living in Latvia.  I was able however to send a tribute for the pastor to be read, as my way of honoring Grandma at her service, without actually being there.  When I told my mom about that discussion I’d had at Grandma’s 88^th with her, mom said “well, you know, I don’t care if you come to mine either, but it’s important that you say good bye somehow, grieve, and move on.”  Never thought I’d be facing that this soon in life, or deciding how best to handle it with my daughters either.

So, here’s what I believe. Funerals, memorials, Cemeteries and monuments are not really for the dead. The dead are no longer with us. They are for the living.  My girls get that, they know that Mimi is in Heaven. They have no doubts and they don’t seem to need much explanation of that. They’ve never once questioned that “all of her” was there. I’m ok with leaving it that way for the time being. I’m sure in time we’ll have pets, and the questions will come… but why enter into that discussion when there’s really no need.

In light of all that, I asked Sam if we could take our time figuring out how to talk to the kids about what happened. He’s such a wonderful man.  Thankfully his siblings took the kids for the first night or two after mom passed and let us come get them later.  It afforded us the time to discus it, and the time for me to grieve with as much abandon as King David! (Thanks sibs by the way, if you’re reading this! Don’t know if I ever thanked you proper!)

I thought about explaining that the body is like a balloon, and the soul is like the special gas that goes inside.  Helium or Oxygen are what make the balloon what it is… some special gas makes a balloon float, some special gas just makes the balloon puffed up and bouncy, other kinds of gas would make the balloon heavy enough to sink to the ground much faster and not be tossed in the wind (sorry Mr. Andres, but I forgot what that gas was you taught us).  But when the special gas leaves the balloon, you are left with just a useless shriveled rubber “shell” that disintegrates with time (especially if one leaves said shell on the dash of a hot car… but I digress).   Sorta makes sense to an adult, but will it really “land” with kids?  I just don’t know.  I know that they will survive, no matter how I explain it to them, so long as how I explain it is still honest.

So, for better or for worse, after discussing it with Sam on a much less “factual” based explanation, and more of a “truth of the matter” version.

Mimi is in Heaven(period).  She can’t come back and she is very happy, and safe and misses us. We will miss her, but we will see her again some day.

The memorial service which we called Mimi’s Service for the girls we explained as a church time for everyone who loved Mimi to come, talk about her, think about how wonderful she was, and thank Jesus that she is happy with Him in Heaven. It is ok for us to be sad that we wont see her for a long time, and it’s ok for us to miss her, but we are happy for her.  The girls have been great at this part (probably better than me, for sure. Most of the time I just want my mom back! Selfishly I would yank her back from Heaven for another 10-15 years at least!).

All was well. We were getting on quite well. But the girls have been missing Mimi a lot of late.  Especially, little Ziva.

It just so happened that Dad was wondering if I wanted to go up to Adams Cemetery with him and help figure out the headstone situation… and “why don’t you bring the girls, I think it would be good for them.”  I was finally ready.

So today we headed up to Adams. Since it had just been Memorial Day I had explained to the girls about the holiday and that cemeteries are decorated to remember those who died in wars trying to help people. So there was already a vague understanding of cemetaries.

In explaining further I decided that since they and the monuments that stand there are for the Living, that I could keep it that way for now, until the girls are older.  So I explained that we were going to go up to the cemetery and that it was a place full of Remembering Stones.  Stones that are placed for someone who died so their loved ones can come to remember them.  This was something that it seems my 2 and 4 year olds seemed to understand. I asked them if they would like to go out to the garden (back yard) and pick some flowers to put at Mimi’s remembering place, since her Remembering Stone wasn’t there yet… they were SO excited to do that.

Strangely, the girls had fun walking amongst the Remembering Stones and pondering the people for whom they were placed to remember.  Many of the stones in that area are sadly for young children.  Vienna was quite curious as to why there were dump trucks and toys around one particular stone.  I explained that sometimes people take things to the Remembering Places and leave them there.  Things that remind them of the person, or things the person would have liked, just as a way to honor that person and express how much they miss that person and can’t wait to see them in heaven.  She seemed ok with that, and we walked about a bit and she asked me who’s stone this one was, who’s stone that one was, who do you think left the little crosses?  It was quite interesting to see the way a little mind processes such things.

We went with my dad to order the monument, or at least to get a mock up of what he thought he would like. We showed the girls the pretty stone that it would be made out of, and the pictures that would be on it and everything.  I really like what Dad has chosen. We’ll see what the mock up looks like soon.

As we were getting ready to leave Vienna asked if we could go right over and pick up Mimi’s Remembering Stone! (No moss grows on that girl).  But we explained we had to wait for the artist to create it first.  She was a little disappointed, but moved right on.

When we got home, had lunch and were getting ready to head to nap she said “I’m so glad that Mimi will have a lovely Remembering Stone.” It will be nice to go and remember her there.

Remember her! Yes! Not mourn her (though that is certainly part of the process) not to hold her in the grave and be near the shell that used to be her, but a place for us to remember the woman we loved sooo dearly, and will miss so much.

“I’m so glad that Mimi will have a lovely Remembering Stone.”

Me too baby… me too!

I’ve been trying for the better part of a week now to figure out how to get that baby diaper smell out of our room!
Due to size constraints of our house and the size of the girls room at present we have to have the changing table in there. There is also no room for a Diaper Champ or any such thing, so we have a little tub that sits under on the shelf to put dirties in so we can take them out every few diapers instead of every one or out in the middle of the night.
I washed the pad cover and cleaned the changing pad. Scrubbed down the tub and even removed it from the room for a few days. It stilll smells like dirty diaper.

Then yesterday dropped a sock off the table between the table and the wall… and low and behold, what did I find? You guessed it a VERY full diaper! Stench found, issue resolved! Apparently someone changed a nasty diaper in their sleep!!
Now, if I could just find my blue tooth for my cell phone!