When it first happened, I wasn’t sure I’d survive. Not literally of course, but mom was such an integral part of our lives, and she helped me with the kids so very much, and was always ready with advice, when it was asked for.  I wasn’t sure how I was going to find a new rhythm of life in her absence. It’s been tough, some days are better than others, but I’m learning…
Not a day goes by that I don’t miss her. And I still cry on a regular basis wishing she were here to talk to. I’m cooking in her kitchen now, with her recipes, in her pots… sometimes it feels great; sometimes it just makes me miss her more. It’s been a week with lots of tears from the girls.  Ziva is missing her Mimi very much. We all do really.

I do however like to imagine her in heaven, dancing with her dad and mom, hanging out with Uncle Gary and her cousin Martha Ann that she still missed more than 4o years after she lost her (but who’s death I know was a major instrument of her coming to faith), and mom hanging out with my awesome Great Aunt Edna (the other part of that instrument).

It’s difficult to blog about other things theses days. For one, the babies keep me hopping! With Vienna in school (mom would be SO proud of her progress) and Ziva and Seraya learning and moving so much… and then growing this new baby… but sometimes I just gotta stop, and put to paper my thoughts about this year.

I was given some gifts to buy something to remind me of mom.  I have so many of my  mom’s things that I couldn’t decide on something, so I tucked it away and saved it (well, part of it, I took some of it and got some picture frames to put some of the good shots I had of mom into a collage).  I finally found what I’m going to get for my home (as soon as I can remember where I stashed my funds!! LOL)   It’s a plaque on etsy that says:

“God doesn’t give us what we can handle, he helps us handle what we are given.”

It’s a good reminder, that I will survive!

When dad called me to tell me it was finally ready I was glad it was finally going to be put in place.  It’s been seven months already, not that there is a time frame for all this.  Just a little way down from mom there’s a temporary marker that has been there for two years, but it was nice to know that it would be there finally and mom would be honored.

I told Sam dad had called withe news and the girls heard.  Vienna decided that she needed to pick some rose petals to “sprinkle” all over “Mimi’s remembering place” you know, so it could look “beautiful.”  That little girl is so incredibly thoughtful.  I cried the whole drive, out there… almost a half hours drive.  It’s still so hard to believe she is gone. It’s just unreal. It’s weird to think that she never met Seraya, and to have Seraya Jane out there was a very strange feeling at times for me.

We went out to Adams to have a look at the finalized stone. It’s weird to think that she never met Seraya, and to have Seraya Jane out there was a very strange feeling at times.

But it was a beautiful day and not gloomy, so that was helpful. Perfectly sunny, with a nice breeze that kept it from being too hot. The stone is beautiful. White, with black flecks… but what the pictures don’t show, is that it also sparkles with little flecks in the stone where it is in its “raw” state.  Dad did a good job.

Vienna sprinkled her petals over the ground. Very lovingly, very purposefully. Taking her cues from her sister, Ziva put some rocks on Mimi’s Remembering Spot… Ziva loves stones! They seem to be a part of her love language as Sam and I receive gifts of them often.

True to form, while we were there Vienna made a friend.  There is this big gazebo area between remembering fields and there was another family clear on the other side of the fields and the kids all found their way to the gazebo while the grown ups stayed at the stones.  It left me to wonder… who did they loose, how long ago was it, how has their life changed.  I’ve lost others in my life… but never one so suddenly and so intricately entwined in my life. I can’t pass an ambulance with lights ablaze without wondering who’s life is being altered… and I always wonder, will their family see them again in heaven.  I’m thankful that we have faith. oh so thankful.

Oh I never knew I could have dreaded a question so much in my entire life.

We were having a totally normal, lazy late morning, not much going on.  Vienna was sitting up on the chair watching a show and just randomly turned to me and asked the question.  I’d really like to be in her head for just a little while… I’m not sure how she processes all this… but she certainly has come up with some interesting questions and she really seems to get it.  Her all of four almost five year old brain understands so much more than I ever imagined she would/could. Sometimes it’s a comforting thought… sometimes it’s not.  I wonder what questions have come up that I haven’t heard.

I know the questions that come into my head. And I know sometimes the questions or thoughts/comments that come up are not really things that I’d like to have aired in public. Though, since ya’ll know me, you know 9 times out of 10, that laundry gets aired and usually aired big.  It’s the blessing/curse about me.

I was in shock at the question; as much for my flashing back to the vacation house and beginning to relive the whole horrific affair as I was that my daughter was asking the question.  I actually had her ask me again.  So since Ziva was there and she doesn’t really understand even that Mimi can’t ever come back I told Vienna to go to my room and we’d talk about it.

My first question to Vienna was “well, you know that Mimi’s not WITH her body anymore, right?”  and her response was “Yeah, but what happened to her body?”   Ok, now it’s time to QUICKLY decide how I’m going to handle this.  If  you read my other post, you’ll know I had some issues after my grandmother passed, so, this is kinda a tough answer for me.  But this is how I answered.

Well, do you know how God made our  bodies?  The Bible says that He made us originally from dirt.  “Dirt? Why did he make us from dirt!?!? Its sooo un clean!” and I said, Oh but the neat thing is that He cleaned us when he made us from dirt… her response… “Just like he did when He died” WOW, really?  Just like that? She gets it. She really gets it.   But was it still at the house?  Hum…

So, I told her that when we leave our bodies that our bodies turn back into dirt. I asked her if she remembered going to Mimi’s remembering place and if she remembered that there was a spot that didn’t have any grass on it.  I told her we brought Mimi’s body back from the house and we put it there to turn back into dirt and that we put the stone there, not because Mimi is still there, but because its juts the best place we have to put a stone to remind us of her. Finally she was satisfied with that… I was getting ready to pull out the “I think that question is too heavy for you” answer.  There’s gotta be a way to lighten most questions…

I don’t like to use the “too heavy for you” answer too often, because I know kids can handle a lot more than we give them credit for.  I also knew that when I got that answer growing up it did not make me less anxious… in fact, I would often focus more on the question, trying to figure it out for myself.

My girls are still trying to figure out why Mimi’s gone. I’m still trying to figure that out too.  Why now, why so young, 62… really? Why, what caused it? Was there a reason?  How soon will it be before we send the next family member to heaven?  How will we move on? We’ve got a whole new way of life to learn with her.

But that’s another topic for another day…

(Time for me to process again… read if you’d like, but understand, these are my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions… not a rant, not a persuasion, not a diatribe and not really an “explanation” to anyone but myself I’m not looking for validation, agreement, discourse or corrections… this is, what it is, it is no more, no less) (Oh, it’s gonna be a long one, so if your gonna read.. grab some coffee.. and maybe some tissues

I was seven when my Grandma Christoff died.  I remember it quite vividly. Not the details, or the particulars of the funeral or what have you, so much as the feelings.  I remember the service was the most painful place I could be.  It was like I could feel each and every heart in that church breaking.  I know this post isn’t about grandma, but it’s important for how I’ve come to my decisions.

Being that I was seven, I had cycled through enough pets already to understand that death was a forever, permanent, nothing gonna change it type of situation. I understood that people went to Heaven to be with Jesus and it was a wonderful and glorious thing.  That Heaven was a joyous safe place.  But still, even at seven, the thought of my grandma lying buried underground, well, freaked me out. I struggled with the separation of the soul and the body, even though I was very certain they were two separate things.  It was still just… well, just so hard to wrap my mind around.  I actually envisioned what would happen to my grandma… and I’m sure that’s what freaked me out the most.  I think part of it is that this was my first exposure to human death, and my relationship with my grandmother was long distance.  She lived in Ohio, we lived in Oregon.  For me, most of our relationship was through pictures, cards, gifts and only the occasional visit. Traveling after all was quite expensive.  So, really the image of my grandma was what I had the most of… so, for her “image” or body to be buried, well… yeah,  you see what I’m getting at?

I’ve struggled a great deal with my daughters in how to handle the death of my mom.  Two of my three knew their Mimi VERY well.  They love her very much.  They miss her every day.  So, how to explain things to a two year old and a four year old, even though they are two of the smartest 2 and 4 year olds I know J

When my Grandma Florence was 88 years old we had all gathered for her birthday, we had all gathered in Ohio a big birthday celebration.  After the party we were gathered in her tiny little living room, all gabbing away, and she asked me to file her nails like I so enjoyed doing for her. It was something I had started to do in those last years when my mom would go back and take me with her. As I was filing away she looked about the room and said “well, I guess the next time we’ll all be gathered like this again will be for my funeral.” And she gave her mischievous chuckle and grin I miss so much.  I of course being who I am, said “Gran, don’t talk like that! You’ve got lots of good years left!”  Fact of the matter was, she was ready to go. She’d been without her husband for what? 30 years? Her body was failing and ailing her and she was at peace and ready, just waiting for her time to dance with Grandpa once more in Heaven.  So much so she proceeded to explain to me the beautiful casket she picked out and everything “I’ve got it all planned already”.  All with a smile on her face.  Still remembering how painful it was to sit through Grandma Christoff’s funeral, I told my Grandma Florence “Grandma, I love you, but I can’t go to funerals, it’s too painful. I don’t think I’m going to be at yours, but I’ll visit your grave later if you want.”  She chuckled and with all sincerity said “I don’t care if you go or not! I’m not gonna be there!”  It was so nice having her “permission.” As it turned out the Lord took that decision from me, when he called Grandma Florence home while I was still living in Latvia.  I was able however to send a tribute for the pastor to be read, as my way of honoring Grandma at her service, without actually being there.  When I told my mom about that discussion I’d had at Grandma’s 88^th with her, mom said “well, you know, I don’t care if you come to mine either, but it’s important that you say good bye somehow, grieve, and move on.”  Never thought I’d be facing that this soon in life, or deciding how best to handle it with my daughters either.

So, here’s what I believe. Funerals, memorials, Cemeteries and monuments are not really for the dead. The dead are no longer with us. They are for the living.  My girls get that, they know that Mimi is in Heaven. They have no doubts and they don’t seem to need much explanation of that. They’ve never once questioned that “all of her” was there. I’m ok with leaving it that way for the time being. I’m sure in time we’ll have pets, and the questions will come… but why enter into that discussion when there’s really no need.

In light of all that, I asked Sam if we could take our time figuring out how to talk to the kids about what happened. He’s such a wonderful man.  Thankfully his siblings took the kids for the first night or two after mom passed and let us come get them later.  It afforded us the time to discus it, and the time for me to grieve with as much abandon as King David! (Thanks sibs by the way, if you’re reading this! Don’t know if I ever thanked you proper!)

I thought about explaining that the body is like a balloon, and the soul is like the special gas that goes inside.  Helium or Oxygen are what make the balloon what it is… some special gas makes a balloon float, some special gas just makes the balloon puffed up and bouncy, other kinds of gas would make the balloon heavy enough to sink to the ground much faster and not be tossed in the wind (sorry Mr. Andres, but I forgot what that gas was you taught us).  But when the special gas leaves the balloon, you are left with just a useless shriveled rubber “shell” that disintegrates with time (especially if one leaves said shell on the dash of a hot car… but I digress).   Sorta makes sense to an adult, but will it really “land” with kids?  I just don’t know.  I know that they will survive, no matter how I explain it to them, so long as how I explain it is still honest.

So, for better or for worse, after discussing it with Sam on a much less “factual” based explanation, and more of a “truth of the matter” version.

Mimi is in Heaven(period).  She can’t come back and she is very happy, and safe and misses us. We will miss her, but we will see her again some day.

The memorial service which we called Mimi’s Service for the girls we explained as a church time for everyone who loved Mimi to come, talk about her, think about how wonderful she was, and thank Jesus that she is happy with Him in Heaven. It is ok for us to be sad that we wont see her for a long time, and it’s ok for us to miss her, but we are happy for her.  The girls have been great at this part (probably better than me, for sure. Most of the time I just want my mom back! Selfishly I would yank her back from Heaven for another 10-15 years at least!).

All was well. We were getting on quite well. But the girls have been missing Mimi a lot of late.  Especially, little Ziva.

It just so happened that Dad was wondering if I wanted to go up to Adams Cemetery with him and help figure out the headstone situation… and “why don’t you bring the girls, I think it would be good for them.”  I was finally ready.

So today we headed up to Adams. Since it had just been Memorial Day I had explained to the girls about the holiday and that cemeteries are decorated to remember those who died in wars trying to help people. So there was already a vague understanding of cemetaries.

In explaining further I decided that since they and the monuments that stand there are for the Living, that I could keep it that way for now, until the girls are older.  So I explained that we were going to go up to the cemetery and that it was a place full of Remembering Stones.  Stones that are placed for someone who died so their loved ones can come to remember them.  This was something that it seems my 2 and 4 year olds seemed to understand. I asked them if they would like to go out to the garden (back yard) and pick some flowers to put at Mimi’s remembering place, since her Remembering Stone wasn’t there yet… they were SO excited to do that.

Strangely, the girls had fun walking amongst the Remembering Stones and pondering the people for whom they were placed to remember.  Many of the stones in that area are sadly for young children.  Vienna was quite curious as to why there were dump trucks and toys around one particular stone.  I explained that sometimes people take things to the Remembering Places and leave them there.  Things that remind them of the person, or things the person would have liked, just as a way to honor that person and express how much they miss that person and can’t wait to see them in heaven.  She seemed ok with that, and we walked about a bit and she asked me who’s stone this one was, who’s stone that one was, who do you think left the little crosses?  It was quite interesting to see the way a little mind processes such things.

We went with my dad to order the monument, or at least to get a mock up of what he thought he would like. We showed the girls the pretty stone that it would be made out of, and the pictures that would be on it and everything.  I really like what Dad has chosen. We’ll see what the mock up looks like soon.

As we were getting ready to leave Vienna asked if we could go right over and pick up Mimi’s Remembering Stone! (No moss grows on that girl).  But we explained we had to wait for the artist to create it first.  She was a little disappointed, but moved right on.

When we got home, had lunch and were getting ready to head to nap she said “I’m so glad that Mimi will have a lovely Remembering Stone.” It will be nice to go and remember her there.

Remember her! Yes! Not mourn her (though that is certainly part of the process) not to hold her in the grave and be near the shell that used to be her, but a place for us to remember the woman we loved sooo dearly, and will miss so much.

“I’m so glad that Mimi will have a lovely Remembering Stone.”

Me too baby… me too!

Then yesterday dropped a sock off the table between the table and the wall… and low and behold, what did I find? You guessed it a VERY full diaper! Stench found, issue resolved! Apparently someone changed a nasty diaper in their sleep!!
Now, if I could just find my blue tooth for my cell phone!

I never did get that 20 minute nap.  By the time I got SJ truly settled and lunch at least moved back into the kitchen the big girls were up again.  How am I going to get this house cleaned now!?!?  “Oh bother,” I thought, “lets just go to Good Will for a little retail therapy.”  “Naw, I’m even too tired for that.”  Again, I should go with my instincts.  Since I was too overwhelmed with the multiple disaster zones in the house and the girls seemed to be feeling a little stir crazy I decided that Good Will wasn’t such a bad idea.  At the least it will keep the girls from going out and bothering Sam.

Good Will was fairly packed.  Sundays are the first day of the new color (denoting 50% color tag) so there are a lot of people there.  But I knew I was still looking for curtains for the dining area, so we went in anyway and shopped.

Mom and I used to go to GW all the time.  In fact, I rarely went with her, as with two kids in tow it is a little more difficult to really dig through stuff.  So, mom would take one, and I would take the other, both nestled safely in the seat of the cart…  Now with three kids I’m realizing it’s near impossible.

I left Seraya in her car seat and latched her in to the seat area of the cart and let the big girls walk around with me.  This usually means one stands on one side of the cart, while the other stands on the opposite side, until I get anywhere NEAR the toy or book section when  they both promptly jump off.  True to fashion, the girls jumped on.

We did some shopping and the big girls, though getting into things here and there, did a great job of staying close and not breaking anything. In effect, they lulled me into a sense of security.  Seraya was fussing, I went to unbuckle her car seat and got distracted by the girls goofing off, so instead I just rocked the cart with one hand forward and back… SJ thankfully went to sleep.  Time to go, we walked to the toy area (where I usually let the girls look about as I sort through the card and decide what I really want and what I don’t think I should buy) then it all began…

A pair of shoes caught my eye.  Instead of dragging the cart into the shoe isle littered with shoe bombs (people are such pigs when they shop!) I left the cart at the end real quick and took a step into the isle to check the size.  Nope, not Vienna’s size… just as I was stepping back to the cart I hear it…..

CRASH… while I wasn’t looking both Vienna and Ziva tried to jump up on the card, on the same side!  The ENTIRE cart SLAMMED to the ground on its side… With Seraya and her car seat!!!!  When the cart hit, and the car seat slammed on its side, it popped off the cart and slid across the floor, still on it’s side.

I was SOOOO shocked by seeing Ziva pinned under the cart I was focused on getting her out from under it there were split seconds before I though “OH MY GOODNESS SJ WAS ON THE CART!”  She didn’t cry!  Hugging a hysterical Ziva in one hand (Vienna had jumped off, so she was fine) I used one hand to right the car seat again, at which point SJ finally cries!  But she’s not moving her neck.  We were instantly surrounded by people wanting to help, but they were shooting questions at me so fast I couldn’t think!  “You want me to call 9-1-1?” “What can I do to help?” “did the little one hit her head?” I was calm, but I was watching SJ closely while at the same time grasping each little part of Ziva’s body to make sure nothing was broke (its not like her to be that hysterical).  I got to her right knee and it was wet! Fleetingly the thought of a bloody compound fracture ripped through my mind!  So I yanked her pants off… whew… nothing… and right back up. Ziva was fine.

Seraya started to move her head finally and I asked a lady (who happened to be a nurse as well) if she would mind getting her out of the seat and handing her to me, as Ziva had a death grip on me and was NOT letting go.  She graciously unbuckled her and I grabbed her out and held her tight, and went back to holding Ziva as well.   I kept thinking “Thank you Lord that I didn’t unbuckle her and just set her in the car seat!!” like I’ve done a million times!

We must have sat there for at least 15 minutes.  The GW gal had to ask for my name and number and the names and ages of the kids.  So embarrassing.  But as we were sitting there getting the info on what happened down and such, some man was actually STEPPING OVER US TO SHOP!! Unbelievable!

We walked over to the drinking fountain (mainly so I could see how well Ziva was walking, and getting her mind off of the injuries—she was fine, though she still has a ton of bruises!) And then I just bought the contents of my cart without sorting.

The nurse that was helping suggested taking Seraya to the ER even though she looked fine.  So I called the dr’s office from the GW parking lot, knowing I’d get the service and need to wait for a call back.  They called the nurse… we drove hom.

Got home and called Sam in and started to feed Seraya as it was time for her next meal.  She was eating just fine, a really good sign, when the on-call nurse called.  I told her the story and she thought, since Seraya was so young (only ten weeks) that she should really call the doctor.  I finished feeing Seraya when she called back.

The doctor was encouraging and said that 99% of the time babies are just fine… but, you wouldn’t want to be that 1% and not go get checked… so, it was off to the ER.

I called Sam in and told him I was going.  He was still struggling with the work he was trying to finish, nothing was going right, but he was willing to go with us.  I told him I thought she was fine and that I could do the ER by myself.  But what to do with the big girls…

I called my brother and dropped the big girls off there, as it’s on the way to the hospital.

The ER took a while but was fairly uneventful. Other than when they asked to weigh SJ and I took her diaper off to do so it was full! And I had left the diaper bag with my brother for Ziva! Oops… but they hooked me up.

The nurses station was right outside our ER cubby/curtain and I heard one nurse say “Who’s got the ten week old baby?” and another say “no one, you want it?” “YES!” lol, so funny… I think we at one point or another got a visit from half the nurses (and they were all commenting about her name).

Seraya checked out fine, but we were told to come back if anything seemed strange.  Not a problem there!

Back to Craig & Joan’s to pick up the big girls.  Craig had made them Mac & Cheese, the girls were so excited to tell me as we drove home, but they were sooo hungry.  I told them they’d have to wait for a sandwich when we got home.

It’s now 9:30 in the evening.  And we’re driving down a dark country road.  We get just a few hundred yards from the lights of Safeway when… curchunk curchunk… we run out of gas!!!  YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDIGN ME?!?!?!

Sam doesn’t have a vehicle to come help.  With no sidewalks around and three babies, I am NOT walking to the Safeway in the dark with cars zipping by so quickly… I pick up to call my dad (I had been calling everyone earlier to tell them that everything was fine, but I was using the hands free) and I look at the screen “low battery” is flashing at me…

I call my dad and with out any greeting I say “Dad, I’m a mile from Safeway and I’m out of gas!”  “I’m on my way, which direction??? North or South???   “I’m coming from Criags!”  “ON MY WAY!”

Now I’m faced with the choice of sit there and bawl my eyes out, or trust that the phone will last a while and call Ronda to vent.  I opted to call Ronda so as not to scare the girls.  As my dad arrives, and my phone starts beeping, I say to Ronda “Forget the budget! I’m calling in an Abby’s Pizza for dinner”.  I hang up and start to exit the car and suddenly Vienna is WAILING!

“Vienna, why are you crying?”  “I WANT PAPPA MURPHYS!!!”  Oh goodness.

Dad is trying to fill the gas, and with all that’s happened to us in the last few months all I could think of is all those shows that have the cops pulled off to the side of the road that are hit or nearly hit by cars coming past them.  Now, the whole time I was sitting there with the girls waiting for dad, there were like two cars coming down this road… now that dad is out there, standing precariously in the lane, there are like THIRTY!   Ok, it was closer to ten, but it FELT like thirty!  I stood between him and the traffic and made sure people saw us and were pulling around!

Dad asks “Why’s Vienna crying” … uhg…

Gas in the tank we drive up to fill at Safeway. Dad followed us just to make sure we’d make it the two hundred yards or less J  he’s such a good dad!  (I should have filled his gas can back up right then… hum… I should go do that).

We went into Safeway as I called Abby’s to order our pizza.  We needed milk for breakfast in the morning or I wouldn’t have bothered.  I clicked Seraya’s car seat onto the shopping cart and Ziva immediately jumps up on the side of the cart!! Lesson apparently NOT learned!

Picked up the pizza and got home at ten p.m.  Sam was on a conference call with business partners about the project he was trying to finish (he joined us for pizza a half an hour later!) so there we are, eating pizza at ten p.m.  Some Mikes had somehow made it into my shopping cart at Safeway, I think it was never more deserved…

So happy anniversary to us   We saw each other maybe twenty minutes all up for the entire day.. but everyone was safe and sound. And that’s ok! Ha ha ha… Which reminds me… time to figure out some baby sitting so we can go out and properly celebrate seven of the most fabulous years ever!  Love that man of mine! (and I’m happy to report that both projects Sam was working so  hard on are finished!! All the more reason to celebrate!)

Such is my crazy life!  Needless to say this Sunday’s excursion to Good Will was done SOLO!

We settled into the rental house and had a great night hanging as a family.  We all seemed to sleep well and the next morning we celebrated Christoff Christmas!  It was a great day. Everyone was low key.  Mom gave Craig and I sentimental gifts.  Everyone but dad took a drive out to the Christmas Cottage in Nelscott, a tradition for us from… well, as long as I can remember, mom and I always went there when we went to the beach. We were all tired so we skipped going to the “Dread Pirate Roberts” (Roberts Books, the book shop across the street that we lovingly changed the name of) and headed back to the house after a few of us stopped at the Outlet mall.  We spent the afternoon playing the PS3, watching TV. and reading books.

Dinner was mom’s request.  We had only had Raclette with my family once, but mom loved it, so we were setting the table and getting ready for our meal when it all happened.

Mom was helping but went and sat on the couch.  The next thing I know Craig is hollering to call 911.  I went over to help, and she stopped breathing.  We got her to the floor and checked for a pulse, when we couldn’t find one we started CPR and were able to keep her going until the EMT services were able to arrive.

It’s a horrific sense of helplessness you feel when someone you love is in this much trouble.  It’s all at once horrific, surreal, and numbing.  In the days following whenever I thought about the night (which was often) I just wanted to make everyone I knew go to CPR classes, so that no one would feel so helpless.

When we got to the hospital there were lots of questions as the doctors tried to figure out what had happened with mom’s body and what was wrong.  Do you know what medications your parents are on?? Are you on lots? Do you keep a list of what you take in your wallet???  These are the things I think about now… if something were to happen to me, would my family feel the panic and frustration of not being able to remember the name of a medication?  Not that in mom’s case it mattered, but in some cases it could!  Mom had just started a new medication, and much to my horror I could not remember the name of it.  (It had nothing to do with what happened to her, but it was so frustrating not being able to say what it was).

To the credit of Lincoln City hospital the EMT’s got her there and the hospital got her stable enough to be transported to Salem Hospital.  I’m not even sure what time it was… but before we even left the hospital in LC we were all exhausted.  We raced back to the rental house and packed up in a flash. Joan was a trooper!  She stayed behind and packed up the whole kitchen and stayed behind to finish up all the little stuff as we raced off to Salem Hospital.

Sam and I dropped the girls off at his brother’s flat and were heading towards the hospital when dad called to say that the hospital had sent him home to rest.  Mom was stable and there wasn’t anything we could do.  We passed the hospital and headed home.  As we were pulling into our drive dad called again.  The cardiologist had called and said it wasn’t looking good and that we should come back to the hospital.  We raced back.

Upon arriving at the hospital Dad and Craig were already talking to the cardiologist.  I could tell by the look on Craig’s face it wasn’t a good report.  They got me up to speed with what the doctors were saying and the long night commenced.

Friends around the world were praying. We started calling mom’s sisters and family… rapidly it got difficult to think through who we had called an whom we still needed to call.

The Hospital and Mom fought a good fight.  But around five thirty in the morning it was obvious that it was a loosing battle and it was time to let mom go.  We don’t really know what happened to mom’s body, other than her heart just refused to beat properly.  It wasn’t a heart attack, or a stroke or anything we can name… her heart just stopped working.  The Lord just called her home.

Surrounded by her family, and a dear friends, dad prayed over her and thanked the Lord for the time He granted us with her.  It was one last sweet moment as a family with her… She had fought the good fight, she had won the race… and it was time to be with the Father.  There was much hospital staff around us, waiting to do the things that they had to do.   As we left the hospital it was like walking through a tunnel of staff, the heroic people who fought hard to save her life… several of the nurses cried right along with us…   I must say the hospital staff was wonderful, they not only cared for mom, but they took good care of us too, bringing recliners for us to rest in, offering water, juice, snacks, anything to help ease us as we were waiting in limbo.

Walking away from there was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I’d lost not just my mom, but my dear friend. She was a constant companion, a part of the every day life of our family.  She loved on my girls like only a Mimi could.  They love her dearly (and often preferred her over me! Probably because she always let them have juice! Lol)   There is still a big hole in much of my days.  I don’t know who to call when the girls do something cute, or have to go to the ER (yes, Seraya has already been to the ER!!!)  or who to call to ask how to get a stain out J  (I never met a stain my mom didn’t know how to get out!!)

Seraya Jane was born almost a month later.  Things didn’t go as planned and she needed to come early.  It was so strange not having mom here for the birth of the baby. She’d been to the birth of the other two, she and dad both. But this time it was just me and the men, Dad and Sam.  How blessed am I with these two men in my life.  Such Godly men that stand by me, and love me as I am.  It was OK mom wasn’t there, because I had them.  Mom would have been so proud of Seraya.  She’s a beautiful baby and mom was so excited for her arrival.  And to feel like mom was with us, we brought Seraya home in the outfit my mom picked out for her and gave to her for Christmas.  Even before she was born, Mimi was loving on her.  Someone suggested that maybe the Lord would let mom see and talk to Seraya before she was born… I don’t know how Heaven works, the Bible isn’t incredibly clear on how it all works  this separation of heaven and earth.  But what a sweet thought to think of my mom cuddling and whispering to Seraya.  Then I realized mom has gotten to meet the son she lost during her first pregnancy, and she’s meeting the three grandbabies she never got to meet from my miscarriages. Oh what heaven must be like!  Dancing with her Daddy. Chatting with her mama once again.

I am sure my momma is the happiest she has ever been in Heaven. But I am so sad for missing her.  But I must say there are a few songs that I can’t stop singing when I think of mom.  The first is Chris Tomlin’s “I Will Rise” that one I sing for my momma and imagine her singing. Because we have that peace.

The other is “Held” by Natalie Grant, to remind me that, though miracles happen they are the exception, and that we live in a fallen world.  No one is exempt from the effects of that fallen world, not one of us..  Even so, at times it so hard not to be upset that the Lord didn’t give us a miracle.  I’m human after all, innately selfish and self centered… But the effects of the fall belong to all of us. Equally. We aren’t promised a life without pain, quite the opposite (indeed we are surrounded by people and circumstances effected by sin, and by the wonderful gift that is Free Will) but there are promises we can cling to.  That the Lord is near to the broken hearted (Psalm 34:18), He is a companion in times of need (Psalm 23)…

The other day Vienna’s little mind was working, it’s always working, and she asked me, “Mama, is Mimi in Heaven with Adam and Eve?”  I’d never thought of it that way… “why, yes, she is, and Moses, and Mary, and Joseph,  King David, Queen Esther… Her daddy, and her mommy… so many people… and Great Grandpa Oswalt who joined her in March.”  Oh what a party it must be.

Vienna just asked me why I was crying.  When I told her that today was Mimi’s birthday she put her little hand to her mouth, and in the sweetest little voice of concern she asked…. “Do we  have to cancel every Mimi’s birthday?”  No baby, we don’t.  I’m off to make my momma a cake.  I don’t know if Birthdays are celebrated in Heaven.  I doubt it as the things of this world are so unimportant in the grand scheme of the universe. But if they are, OH what a party that would be… then again, I imagine every day in Heaven is a party!

So today we celebrate my mom; the woman who taught me everything. Or at least tried!  I’m not always the best listener.  She was a big part of who I have become to be, no, I never got her organizational skills, but she gave me much more than that.  She gave me love.

Can’t wait to see you again someday mom. I love you.  Until then… I’m Held.

Trying to be a good mother and spend some quality time with my girls, I invited them into the kitchen to help me make lunch instead of putting them in front of the t.v. which was my first instinct.

I should learn to go with my first instinct.
Now, I’m tired… bordering on sheer exhaustion. Since December Sam’s been working basically 12 hour days when he’s been home working, plus we had a baby, made a trip to Ohio and had two very emotional events that were life altering. The unexpected death of my mother, and the death of Sam’s grandfather. So, we’re a very exhausted family right now.
But my girls need time with me…. so into the kitchen we all went.

The first challenge was to clean off enough space to work! lol No easy task right at that moment!! Space cleared and suddenly Seraya is unhappy, no worries, it doesn’t take much time at all to throw together bisicuts… she’ll b fine. Then then began the arguing over who was going to stand where and on what! I settled that and pulled out the flour. “mommy, can I do it? Can I do it? Can I do it” begins the shouting… IN STEREO… Since my biscuit recipe calls for two cups of flour, no problem… Seraya continued to scream as each of the big girls in turn dumped their flour into the bowl. Next item on the list… 1/4 cup of sugar. I thought “humm.. that’s odd, I don’t remember that much sugar in biscuits (told you it’s been a while) and as I dump it in, I realize my eye has strayed and gone to the list of items for SCONES!! Grr… no worries, I set that bowl aside (since the scone recipe calls for 2 cups flour too, I’ll just make scones later) and, to the screams of Seraya and the “can i do it, can i do it” of both Vienna and Ziva I carefully measure out two cups of flour, whhheeewww… JUST enough flour left… I add flour to the shopping list and decide it’s taking longer with help from the girls and I should probably put Seraya in the wrap to make her happy.
Her screams get louder and Vienna starts crying “I want Seraya to stop” as I’m flying around the house looking for that stinking wrap that was JUST here yesterday! where in the world could it disappear to!??!
I finally found the wrap, carefully folded on the bench at the foot of my bed… covered in junk (teach me to clean up in a hurry!) as I’m wrapping the Gypsy Mama around me getting it situated for Seraya my eye catches that Ziva is still in the kitchen… measuring things…. UUUHHHHGGGGG!!!!! She’d gotten a hold of the jar of lemon peal that fell out of the cupboard when I grabbed the salt… and she’d jumped the ENTIRE contents into the bowl.
I’d like to say I was super mom and calmly removed her from the kitchen. Nope, not me… I screamed at her and put her into time out… FOREVER!! At least that’s how I felt at the moment… NOW what to do? I’ve used four cups of flour already and no biscuits in sight!!!
In the flour bin is about a cup and a third of flour. So I add that to yet ANOTHER bowl and I carefully skim off the peel from the tainted bowl and add enough of the seemingly untainted flour into my measuring cup. Crisis averted for the time being, I have enough flour.
Being that time was getting away from me and frustration was through the roof… After going to Sam’s office for a self imposed mommy time out (baby strapped to me in the Gypsy Mama, Ziva in time out, and Vienna watching an infomercial, yes, she’ll watch ANYTHING) I came back in the house, put on a Veggie Tale for the girls and continued to make biscuits… 1/3 cup shortening… and 2/3 cup of… KRAP we are out of milk!! How am I going to make these things…. now I’ve used six and a half cups of flour and STILL no closer to biscuits!
Thinking on my feet, I realize that I have evaporated milk in the pantry. I pull that out and look up the conversion for Evaporated milk back into “fresh milk” consistency. and finish up the biscuits and finally, get them in the oven….
I made me some gravy and sent the girls out to give Sam a five minute warning
Two minutes before my biscuits are to come out of the oven I take a peek… They didn’t rise… I think either i have old Baking Powder, or I plumb forgot to put it in there!! I tasted one of them and deemed them “not horrible” and hence served this hard fought meal to my family.
Seraya is in her crib and we sit down to eat… Instantly the complaining begins… “I didn’t want the gravy on my biscuit”"I don’t like this” “My tummy hurts!”
Sam sent one child to bed, and let the other slowly finish up Seraya resumes her screaming (she got immunizations the other day and has had tummy issues ever since!
Thankfully Sam and I thought the meal to be yummy. The biscuits weren’t that flat, and the gravy was yummy!!
So, finally all three girls are sleeping, and I have blessed quiet!
But… I still just wanna make some perfect biscuits!!
Oh well… another day perhaps… for now, off to clean the kitchen and attempt to not loose my mind!
Happy Anniversary to us! lol… I think we’ll take a day off next week sometime if we can find someone to watch the kiddos I think we deserve it
I wouldn’t change a thing about my life, I’m quite blessed! Even amidst the sadness, and the stress, and the craziness that is just being a mom I know I am blessed.  I miss my mom terribly, but I am so thankful to the Lord that she is in heaven with Him this day. I may be sad, but it is well.

I have the most amazing family.  Sam, who I still can not believe how lucky I am to have.  Vienna, what a charming intelligent young lady she’s already becoming, so full of tenderness.  Ziva, my little Sprite! So full of life and energy and just exuding love from every pore! And little Seraya Jane, named for my mom, and my reminder that life moves so quickly, hold onto the love you have while you have it! What a joy to hold her.

Yep. Even when I’m stressed. Life is good.  Biscuits or no biscuits!
Now to catch a 20 minute nap before the girls wake up again!!

The next afternoon was my scheduled dr’s visit. I went in and they found small traces of protein in my urine and my blood pressure was up to 140/78 (I’ve never strayed from normal realms before!), both of which can be signs of preeclampsia. That, coupled with the edema and also the fact that I was 4 cm dilated, having contractions but the baby’s head wasn’t engaged (all the way down ready to be the first thing out) AND that I tested positive for the Strep B this time around she thought it best we go in and get induced and keep things in a controlled environment. Another complication it seemed I was having was way too much amniotic fluid. Somehow the fluid around the baby is measured… normal measurements are between 5 and 25, apparently Seraya’s amniotic fluid measured about 35 (No WONDER my belly was so huge and so heavy!) The extra fluid seemed to have her floating way too high to be ready to come out on her own.

I was thinking the doctor would send us in the next day or what have you to start the induction… she called the hospital and then told me to be there within the hour!! WHAT!?!? This was my first inkling that things were not going to go so smoothly!

So, dad went to our house and stayed with the girls waiting for Sam’s sister Esther to come up and stay with them. Sam and I headed off to the hospital and got there a bit after 3pm. (Dad followed when Esther arrived).

The hospital took my blood pressure, it was back to normal… and rechecked for protein… again, within the hour it took to get to the hospital, the test came back normal. But since I was there, already dilated to 4 and had shown signs they planned on inducing me anyway. Now, to trace the baby’s heart on a monitor and get a good read of that, finish the antibiotics and start on the Pitocin.

Still feeling like everything was going to plan though we expected the antibiotics to take an hour and then start inducing the baby… I’m thinking.. ok labor, please don’t kick my keester like with Vienna, be easy like Ziva! I was ready to labor, come on baby lets go.

They started me on double rounds of penicillin for the Strep B (fairly common thing) and started trying to track the baby’s heart rate. Here’s where we started running into more trouble. Be it the way she was sitting in my belly or moving so much, or just the added challenge presented by all that extra fluid, they could never get a real good trace on her heart rate. When they DID get a good section of reading, they didn’t like what they saw. Her heart rate would not recover well after contractions (I’d been having mild contractions for weeks) and even in the in between time there wasn’t enough of what they called a “variance” (I think) to be comfortable with it. They had such a horrific time tracing her heart rate that at 10 p.m. they still hadn’t started me on meds to induce me! Then the doctor came in.

Given all the little things not looking right she was “not real comfortable.” She didn’t want to send me home so dilated yet without the baby engaged because of the risk of a prolapsed cord (basically meaning that the cord comes before the baby cutting off blood and basically the baby doesn’t survive). The extra fluid didn’t help this matter as it seemed to be what was causing the baby not to engage. She didn’t want to start Pitocin and begin labor because the baby’s heart rate wasn’t bouncing back quickly enough after contractions… to her, the safest method was to just take the baby by C-section.

C’s have always been my biggest fear in delivering a baby. When I was 18 or so there used to be a cable show that showed operations… I loved to watch it, was totally fascinated but such things as knee replacement surgeries, open heart surgeries and the like until that fateful day they showed a C-section (no blurring on any of these, this was the full on operation, no holds barred). After that, the thought of having a C section caused nearly the same reaction that walking on frozen ponds/water or thoughts of drowning in the cold ocean do in me. UTTER PANIC! But the Lord had prepared me somehow because at this declaration from the doctor my initial response was… ok, lets do it, I need her safe.

The doctor stepped out and I was speaking with dad and Sam about it. Both of them were comfortable too that this was the right direction all things considered. Then I asked the two nurses helping me… “would you do it?” Her response “yep, and I wouldn’t wait long to do it either.” The second nurse had just about the same response. Ok, get her in here and lets get going.

You’ll see in the pictures on Facebook (maybe I’ll try to add them in here if I remember) they put me in a “self heating” gown. After surgery they hook it up to a little heat pump type thing to keep me toasty warm. It’s hysterical because the gown is HUGE and I look all purple, sorta like that girl in Willie Wonka that steals the blueberry gum and puffs up! Ahhhh the fashion of a C-section! Sam suited up in his daddy paper scrubs and they walked me down the hall to the O.R. room. Sam had to stay outside until my spinal block was done. In the “scrub” room just off of the OR I stopped for a moment because I was feeling a bit nervous, but it went away quickly. They got me on the table and got me prepped for my spinal when I started having a bit of a panic attack. For the first time since the doctor’s office my blood pressure went up… to 179/131 yeah, I think that constitutes a panic attack! LOL However, even without Sam, I got calmed down within just a few bits.

They had numbed my back for the spinal, but it STILL hurt like the dickens!! It is weird feeling the lower half of your body grow warm, heavy and thick, then suddenly be rendered useless. Strangest feeling in the world, because you THINK you can still feel your feet and legs, but you can’t. I wondered if this is how it feels for amputees and paraplegics. As the meds started to work, it started to make breathing feel uncomfortable, strange. Mercifully they finally let Sam into the room and, champion father/husband that he is, he was able to get me calmed down before any real panicking began!
They had told me that once the C started it was very fast to get the baby out, she should arrive within 5 minutes. The clock was in my line of site, and though Sam was talking to me and keeping me calm, I could see the clock reaching ten mintues, twelve minutes… then at 12:18 a.m., finally a cry! ? She was out… looked great! Sounded so sweet! Much deeper sounding cry than her sisters I thought… I was so relieved when they took her to the table and said her Apgar score was great! (every baby gets points for breathing well, color etc… a certain score is “normal” and she was well in that range).

So, off to the nursery Sam and the baby go to meet my dad, while they stitch me back up. The doctor said everything looked great, and that if I wanted to have another baby I could totally have it natural if I wanted, she’d have no problem delivering me with how everything looks ? She also explained that Seraya had the cord around her neck and even though they had emptied out most of her amniotic fluid she was still stuck soooo high up that they had to use a vacuum to get her down to the incision! There was no way she was coming natural, she was just too twined up! So thankfully since it seems a C seems to have been inevitable, we didn’t go through labor and then have to do this on an emergency level! I totally feel like the Lord had spiked my blood pressure to get me in the hospital to start this process. I can’t imagine what would have happened if we’d have broken water at home (like I did with both Vienna and Ziva).  Ironically, after delivery I struggled having low blood pressure for the first full day… but all seems to be more normal now.

Thank you Lord for such a blessing as Seraya Jane. My momma would have been so proud of her! She’s absolutely beautiful! We are all overjoyed with this little one. Her sisters are simply over the moon and soooo attentive to her, so sweet, so caring… they already love her dearly.
So on my 40th birthday, January 22nd, Craig and Joan had the big girls over for a sleep over and Sam and I took Seraya home for her first night in her own house!! We had a lovely quiet evening. Celebrated with Abby’s pizza and a movie. Bliss!!!! The next day we all met at Dad’s house (with both sides of the family) and celebrated my birthday with a family dinner. Taco’s by Joany, cake by Esther (could you ask for more!?!?) and a gift certificate from my hubby for a trip for two to Disneyland!! (once the baby is on solids of course… can you say Christmas time in Disney!!!) Sooo excited!!

The drama did continue however. After a comfortable hospital stay and our first night at home, Vienna had a night that terrified us. She had started seeming like she might have a cold, but when we put her to bed that night she started barking sooo badly and her breathing was sooo labored that several times we were tempted to rush to the emergency room! (her breathing was so loud it sounded like a grown up was snoring in the next room!) We got the humidifier going and Sam was up much of the night checking on her. We got through the night and went to the dr the next day for both the big girls. Ziva was struggling too as the day before she had complained of a stomach ache and hadn’t eaten, even turned down chocolate cake!! She also had a faint rash all over her body. We got to the doctor & saw the Physicians Assistant… the verdict.. CROUP for Vienna and a virus for Ziva as well… we asked what that meant for Seraya? Should we be moving her out of the house for a few days? “that would be a VERY good idea” was the PA’s response. Ok then… off to Poppies Seraya and I go!

The next day was Seraya’s first dr’s appointment. Seeing as I can’t drive (due to the C) and Sam was home with the girls, Seraya had her first stroller walk up to the dr’s (thankfully they are very close to Poppies!) The doctor pronounced her in fine health, though wanting to see her put some weight on more quickly and reinforced that it was a “very good idea” to keep out of the house with Seraya since we could, until Vienna stopped coughing and all rashes were gone. Croup for a new born would NOT be good. So, here we are. One week old, and at my Daddy’s house away from the girls and Sam. Not ideal, but for now it’s what we should be doing. I’m sooo ready to go home and be a family, I’m even ready to do laundry!! LOL ?

The girls are improving, though the coughing for Vienna amped up today, but her voice sounds better! (She was sounding like Kathleen Turner!!) But Ziva still looks horrible. But hopefully by Saturday all will be well. Thankfully today Anya was able to come up from Salem to help Sam. He’d moved his office inside and has been working from inside and watching the girls. So he’ll work his day and then Sam will get to come by this evening and see his baby girl and me! ? We’ve been Skyping so the girls could see me and the baby too! LOL seems so funny to be Skyping when I’m only 5 minutes away, but so thankful for technology!! ?

So, now it’s time (dear Lord please hear my prayer) for life to start getting back to some sort of “normal” CALM state! I’m ready! As a family of 5… We are blessed beyond measure, even though we lost my mom so unexpectedly last month, we still acknowledge that our lives are truly blessed. We were blessed to have such a close bond, and relationship with my mom before the Lord called her home. Blessed that our family is close, and blessed that He has given us a new love in our lives! God is good, even in the bad ?

Do you know why we carve pumpkins? Because being a Christian is kinda like this pumpkin!

Where do we find pumpkins? Out in the wet messy field!!
Sometimes it’s messy going out to choose a pumpkin. They live in a dirty field. Just like we live in a messy dirty world full of sin. But just like we picked out this pumpkin and brought it home. Jesus picks us out, and if we let Him, He will take us as His own.

Psalm 40:2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
MSG: He lifted me out of the ditch,
pulled me from deep mud.
He stood me up on a solid rock
to make sure I wouldn’t slip.

What’s the first thing we do once we’ve picked our pumpkin?? We clean it!
We live in the world, but we are different than the rest of the world. We don’t act the way everyone else does, because we do the things that God says is good to do, not just the things we want to do.

Romans 12:2 Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

MSG: Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

When we picked out this pumpkin, was it totally clean? Was it perfect?? Nope! Just like us, God picks us before we are clean! God also washes all the “dirt” off the outside of us. He does this by helping us not be like the world. He helps us get rid of old bad habits and stuff that make us look ugly to the world. When we accept God he helps us to think more like Him, and when we do, we act more like Him.

Once we look good on the outside, What do we do next??  We cut open the pumpkin to get to the insides!!

Just like we take out the “yucky guts” of the pumpkin, God also takes out the yucky stuff inside our hearts. What’s that yucky stuff called? SIN!!

Psalms 51:10 Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
NCV: Create in me a pure heart, God, and make my spirit right again.

It’s a lot of work sometime to get sin out of our lives isn’t it. And it is not fun to look at it or to realize sometimes what ugliness is inside of us. But God promises to help us clean out the sin in our lives.
He helps us take out all the seeds of doubt, hate, greed, and fear. He replaces them with the fruit of the spirit seeds; faith, hope and love.

Now our insides are clean. What happens next? We get a Face!
When He helps us change our insides, our outsides get changed too. Now not only do our outsides look clean, but they can express how we feel inside. When we live by the Fruit of the spirit Faith Hope and Love are shown in our actions. In the things we choose to watch, the things we choose to say, the things we choose to hear. And we look different to the world.

Psalms 34:5 Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.

NCV: Those who go to him for help are happy,
and they are never disgraced.

After we have a face what happens? We need a light!
Now we are going to light this candle inside. Look! This pumpkin now reflects the light from inside out. Jesus is the Light to the World. And when Jesus lives in our hearts, he shines out of us for the world to see!

Matthew 5:16 In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.

NCV: In the same way, you should be a light for other people. Live so that they will see the good things you do and will praise your Father in heaven.

See. So the Jack-O-Lantern reminds Christians of the process of God changing us from the inside out when we put our faith and trust in Him and learn about the Bible and follow God. We can be beautiful lights that lead others to a relationship with God too!